Friday, June 25, 2010

I interview Me!

In my first ever interview, I get down and to the point with myself. I seemed like an O.K. guy in person, but I can understand why everyone thinks I am such an asshole.

Q) So, your first name is Justin, our clever team of basement-dwellers figured that much out on the internet. Obviously your current bio is some kind of gimmick. Care to tell us who you really are, and where you are from?

A) J Gilliam Martin just has a better flow to it. Plus there are handfuls of other Justins these days, and they are all douche-bags. I currently live in Doylestown, PA, which I attempted to settle into as a local author. The issue here is that both Doylestown and I fucking hate each other. I grew up in Maine, but to me it seems a bit cliche to boast as a horror author from Maine. I totally threw M&Ms at Stephen King at a high-school basketball game once.

Q) Did he notice? Any hits?

A) I don't think we did hit him or that he did notice. Shit like that probably happened to him all the time back then, he sorta did stuff worth talking about in those days. And there are assholes everywhere.

Q) So where do you call home, then? Who's local bookstores should be kissing your ass?

A) Hell.

Q) Oh, right. So let's talk about that, then. How did you get hooked up with Satan?

A) We've always gotten along. I think he knew my Mom. The guy has some great ideas and just no time to fucking put them down on paper, you know? I offered to help in exchange for a few things. Of course, as with any agent, I aint seen shit, yet.

Q) Hippies vs. Zombies, tell us more about where it comes from and where it is going?

A) You would know just as much about that as I would. I mean, it comes from Hell, obviously. As for where it's going... Satan and I talk about it on occasion, but really it is all written moments before it is submitted to the blog. The biggest problem I find with drafting a novel this way is that people are waiting, anticipating. I need to be somewhat organized for a post. I have to be in the zone with a clear head. As clear as mine gets, anyway. I can't just ramble on it when I am drunk and fix it later. I mean, obviously before the book is published I will edit and revise it, but if the whole thing looked like P2b, there would just be no point. No one would read that shit.

Q) So we get to read your half-ass draft for free now, then you expect to make us pay for the final version sometime later?

A) Exactly. If there's one thing I expect from all this, it's to make the human race pay.

Q) You're an idiot. So what else beyond this?

A) Beyond this shitty interview?

Q) No, beyond HvZ. What else are you and the Devil planning?

A) Oh. Well, there's The Preposterous Baron Grill, which was originally intended to be my first novel. It's a family-fun story with a moral: Spay and neuter your pets.

Q) And this about essays? Music reviews? Where is this blog going?

A) I will never really make this blog about me. My life is not only boring, but most often in complete shambles. It's really hot here in Hell and I can't seem to hold it together for more than two or three hours in the morning. I have some non-fiction, opinionated ideas I would like to explore, while keeping true to the sort of dark humor Satan has gifted me with. I don't want to spill any beans because some asshole will steal the ideas, and I'm really trying to get through my early career without killing anyone.

As for music, music is what fuels me. I actually like tons of various music, but my heart is in Metal. I think with this I am actually going to review things I don't like. Negativity is what I do best.

Q) So people will be able to come here to read about how something sucks?

A) Yes, and then 90% of them will go buy it anyway.

Q) Well this has been informative, however lacking in entertainment. Anything else you would like to add?

A) No.

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