Yeah, we celebrate Christmas in Hell too.

I am very happy to announce that I will be contributing to a benefit anthology for some foster kids around Christmas.

I have written a special poem called "The Worst Noel" in the theme of magical Christmas zombies, and you-know-who will be submitting some artwork to go with it.

Details on submitting for this anthology are here. If you happen to be a writer, please join us. Otherwise, look forward to something that should be absolutely wonderful to enjoy, and totally for a good cause.

You can purchase some stickers on that site as well, which will not only look cool no matter where you stick them, but also help get the book made.

I will keep you all updated as to when this book becomes available.

HvZP2f

Jesse explained as much as he could with help from Mark and Lucas. Hubble was still skeptical of the whole thing, but something had happened with Curry and until she came around, their word was all he had to go by.

"I just don't understand how something like this happens." Hubble paced back and forth, refusing marijuana as the rest of them smoked. "When we saw you on the road I could tell that kid was fucked up. Why bring him?"

"That kid was always fucked up. It didn't look like much more than a severe hangover to us," Jesse explained.

"Until he stopped breathing in the car," Mark reminded. "I knew something was up with him then."

Lucas chimed in, "The fuck you did, you never said shit, just laughed with the rest of us. It was you that went on and on about how funny the shit was."

Mark shrugged. "Well I knew when he grabbed the rabbit."

"No shit, Mark, but it was too late then, wasn't it? And what the fuck did you do, anyway? You left Scott back there to die. He might be here with us if you weren't such a pussy."

"Fuck you Luke. If Scott was any bit as smart as me he would have come with. But no, he had to wait behind for his buddy Lucas to come back so they could sneak into the woods and suck each other off."

Lucas and Mark stood with their faces just inches apart, screaming over one another. Jesse had enough and pushed his way between them.

"None of us will make it out of here alive if you two don't cut the shit."

Captain stood and looked at his friends, then over to the three he didn't know from anyone.

"Zombies or not, I'm not kickin' it with you fucks. I'd rather die than have to listen to these two clowns bitch at each other anymore."

Robin was sobbing, between the constant bickering and Curry's current state, she couldn't muster more than tears. She wasn't sure what to believe, but her friend was terrified and possibly injured or worse.

Captain walked around the group to where they had tackled Lucas and picked up the rifle.

"Seriously, I'm out of here. I'll get Curry back to the gatehouse and have the ranger take us to the hospital. Hubble?"

Hubble knew he should help him carry her if nothing else, and really wanted nothing to do with the three asshole metalheads. On the other hand, he wasn't comfortable leaving Robin with them, and he wasn't sure how serious the spark between her and this Mark kid was. He did not answer Captain.

"Robin?" Captain got no response from her either. He was getting angry a bit and pulled the cork from the moonshine, taking a large swill. His face looked smashed together as it hit his throat, and he coughed a small flame after swallowing. Then he turned to Pegs.

"C'mon man, put your legs on and lets get Curry in the wheelchair."

Pegs stared at Captain a moment before looking around at the others. Then he said, "Honestly Cap, if there are fucking zombies around here, I kinda wanna fuck em up." Then he looked at Jesse. "That is your plan, right? To fuck em up?"

Lucas answered this one. "Dude, we're gonna blow the heads off all ten or fifteen of them, then go down in the books as the heroes of the Grassy Folk Massacre."

"Well," Captain said angered, "give me the fucking chair anyway. If you're going to be fighting 'zombies' or even just these three pricks, you'd be better off on feet, prosthetic or not."

Pegs couldn't argue. Curry was clearly in no shape to walk, let alone fight, and she may need medical attention. He pulled his legs from behind the chair and snapped them on, standing.

Lucas whispered something to Jesse, who then looked down with a slight panic in his eyes.

"We need to check her, first." Jesse told Captain.

"Check her, for what? She's been crying this whole time, obviously zombies don't cry, they just eat dreams or whatever."

Lucas laughed, "Brains, you fucking moron. They eat brains."

"Maybe Hippie-Zombies eat dreams?" Mark added, also laughing. The two of them laughed that up for a while.

Jesse wanted to laugh, but one of them had to remain serious if they were to get any help from either of these wookies. He did his best to explain.

"It is pretty easy to tell if somebody is a zombie or not. They either come at you lookin all hungry and pissed off, or they don't. But if she has been bitten, it won't be long before she becomes one. I'd say somewhere along your trip, maybe just as you've stopped to sweep a couple rocks out of your sandal. Next thing you know she's on your back biting into your skull."

"And then you'll remember, 'Shit! Zombies eat brains.'" Lucas butted in.

Captain, with all the drugs he ate for breakfast, was able to visualize that last bit quite clearly, and agreed to examine Curry for bite marks, absolutely positive they would not find any.

"Who's gonna do it?" Jesse asked.

Captain looked at him, confused. He had been sure since Jesse seemed to be the expert, he would be the medic in this case, and told him so.

"Well, we gotta check everywhere. So maybe you want to take her into the tent?"

Robin stood up finally and did some brief yelling of her own, "Just fucking check her already you assholes!"

She was right. They had all (save Jesse and Lucas, maybe Mark) seen her naked anyway. Captain was obsessed with how awesome and tiny her nipples were. So Jesse and Captain knelt on either side of her and rolled her over. She was asleep now. They checked her neck and head first, then went down the body, peeling the clothes of as they searched.

With her clothes off, there was a lot less blood and it made looking for marks a lot easier. Even Lucas, from where he was standing, seemed to be checking thoroughly.

The blood was only on her clothes, and was not hers. They found no bite wounds, not even scratches. Just mosquito bites and a single mole between her crotch and belly button. Rather than try and dress her again in her sleep, they wrapped a light blanket around her. Lucas turned around to hide his hard-on.

"So?" Captain was impatient.

"There's nothing I can see. "

"Then we leave. "

Captain lifted Curry from the ground and put her into the wheelchair. He took picked up the rifle again, and grabbed a few things out of his tent: his backpack, drum, bag of cigarette tobacco, a duffel full of pot, and the other with the red pills. As he turned around, Jesse had walked over and was standing in front of him.

"Take Lucas with you."

Lucas disagreed. "Fuck that, I'm goin' with him? No way. No fucking way. I'm staying here and slaughtering zombies goddammit. Fuck no. "

He might have gone on with the 'fuck' and 'no' all night if Jesse hadn't slapped him.

Jesse explained, "I assume they are aimed for the ranger hut, and what if the ranger isn't there? Then they will need a ride into town."

Captain, assuming they were talking of his legal inability to drive, took offense.

"We have the bus, I can fucking drive it to the hospital. I'd like to see those pigs try and stop me."

They weren't, of course remarking on his lack of a license because they had no idea, so his reply just confused Jesse.

"The bus is broke down, remember Cap?" Robin spoke up again.

"Fuck!"

"See Lucas," Jesse was looking at him now, "unless you want me to go drive your car?"

"Aint no motherfucker drivin my car but me, ever. As if she would even start with you. Fuck. You fucking asshole. Fine, I'll go, but this prick better give me my gun back."

Captain was ready to argue at this point, he really didn't want to walk with Lucas anyway, let alone if he had a gun. More so, however, he really wanted this charade to end and get on his way to making sure this girl who's nipples he loved was going to be okay. She was obviously in some kind of shock, and it didn't look like she would be snapping out of it anytime soon. He swallowed his concerns, tossed Lucas the rifle and started pushing the wheelchair.

By request, another poem.

What would you like it to be about?


Hmm... lemme think... how about... Oil Fish of Death!


When the ocean floor should rumble,
and from it oil spills,
you might anger the wildlife
and for it, they shall kill.

your business is not down here,
the sea is for the fish.
and though we eat them in the norm,
tonight you are the dish.

they swarm to land in masses,
mutated by the leak
with tiny legs and breathing air,
they feast upon the weak

but be not fooled, for our strongest defense
is not enough to stop
the millions of fish that come to walk
and punish for your flop

sharks and rays and fish combine
their forces tried and true
an octopus joins in the assault
and spills oil all over you

so think twice before you drill again,
about the outcomes that may be
and remember that you have no right
to be poking around in the sea.





Worst poem ever! (although, probably the best one written in 30 seconds)

HvZP2e

Robin stepped out of her tent wearing nothing. Hubble averted his eyes. He had seen her naked many times, but the reminder that it was something he couldn't have was unbearable and he could no longer look. She had been lured out by the smell of bacon and was checking to confirm that they were not cooking it on her grill.

It wasn't actually bacon, but a soy imposter. It smelled just like real bacon, but the taste was next to nothing and it looked like a child's crayon drawing of the food. After confirming they were not tainting her cooking surface, she retreated back to the tent. The rest of them had to listen to Mark and Robin having sex before they came out again.

Moke grabbed himself a couple of soy slabs and put them on a slice of improvised toast. He then made an extra serving to bring to his brother.

"I'm gonna go check on Tiny, and attempt to boo whatever shitty band this is off stage."

He left and Curry and Norma went with him.

Koi ate her breakfast, hit the morning's first joint once as it went around, then departed to take Licorne Rose de la Mar for a walk. This left Hubble, Captain, Robin, Mark and Pegs sitting at the campsite when Lucas and Jesse came into sight.

Captain was the first to notice them, but before he saw any faces he saw them armed to the teeth. He fell out of his seat in alarm and yelled, "What the fuck!"

Everyone's gaze turned to the clumsy Captain, and he said nothing more but pointed in the direction of the approaching duo.

"It's cool, I know these kids." Mark stood and started towards them, meeting them no more than ten feet from camp. "Jesse what the fuck. You can't just walk around with your guns out, there are a lot of people here."

Lucas rose his rifle and pointed it directly at Mark.

"I'm kinda surprised to find any fucking people at all."

This statement confused everyone, as they were sitting at the edge of a music festival to which thousands of tickets had been sold. Mark pushed the gun out of his face and warned Lucas "If you point that thing at me again, it goes right up your ass."

Jesse stepped in and introduced himself, taking the current joint that reached a break in its intended circle where he stood. He puffed on it once or twice, taking in his surroundings as he toked.

Mark had his arm around a girl when they first approached, who sat on the ground behind him now. There was one guy, almost completely covered in hair with just a tiny bit of skin around his eyes and nose showing who sat next to what looked like an expensive telescope. Another, also resembling a human mop with a wild head full of dreadlocks, lay in the dirt below his feet. There was another in a wheelchair, with no legs, though he had an obvious set of artificial ones strapped to the back of his ride.

The more Jesse thought about how to deliver the impending bad news, the harder it seemed. With the THC taking hold, this did not get any easier, but after the introductions were out of the way, Captain was not going to let them put it off any longer.

"So what's with all the fucking guns? They can't possibly allow hunting this close to a public event."

At this point Jesse nearly denied carrying any guns. If it weren't for Lucas shuffling his aim between them all (though doing his best to avoid pointing it at Mark), he might have forgotten why they came after all.

"Seriously, do you assholes even know where you are?" Robin asked, belittling.

Lucas wasn't about to be made a fool of, especially not while holding a firearm. While Jesse struggled to say what sounded more and more ridiculous as it ran through his head, Lucas was able to spit it right out.

"There are fucking zombies in these woods you cunt, and we came to save your asses."

Captain lost a hit. Hubble spit beer all over Pegs. Pegs was so pissed about the beer, he didn't process what had been said. Robin laughed, but when Mark reacted, she wasn't so sure how funny any of this was.

"Tony?" Mark asked, knowing damn well the answer.

Jesse took over. "He killed Scott. Tore him to shreds. Then he attacked the campground near where we were set up, and not only did he get all of them, but they seem to have turned."

"You have got to be fucking kidding. Get the fuck out of here." Hubble refused to converse with these kids anymore and stood up to leave. Lucas fixed the gun on him.

"You sit the fuck down."

They were all shouting at each other when Curry came running into the middle of the circle. Mark threw himself into Lucas, knocking his rifle into the air just in time that the shot he let off didn't hit her in the back of the head, but instead rocketed into the sky. Lucas fell back and Captain too jumped on him. Between Mark and Captain they managed to wrestle the rifle away from Lucas and Mark kept him pinned.

Curry lay there, crying and trying to catch her breath. She kept trying to say something it seemed, though only bawling came out. The argument was over for sure, because zombies or not, Curry was soaked in blood.

***

Koi was educating Licorne Rose de la Mer in various trees and other plant-life throughout their walk in the forest. Her parents owned a landscaping company back home, and she had grown up with plants and flowers, her house near something like a botanical preserve.

She had spotted a sassafras albidum and fawned over it, explaining to Licorne Rose de la Mer that it was by far her favorite. Though typically it was the root that was harvested for making oils and teas, she wouldn't uproot the tree here. The fruit would have to do, but she would be able to make a decent enough oil out of it that she might be able to sell some.

She was singing a little song about sassafras as she picked the small, dark berries from the tree. She included Licorne Rose de la Mer in the song (as she tended to with any song), which eventually shortened itself to a chorus containing only "licorne sassafras".

Over the sound of her own singing, she didn't hear the group approach behind her until they were nearly on top of her. She turned around to see Starlips, glittering in the sunline that broke through the trees. Koi screamed as she saw Starlips' battered figure covered in wounds that might still be bleeding, but before she could make an attempt to help her friend, she noticed the bunch behind her.

Moaning, drooling and clawing the air, they circled around here, pinning her against a tree. Koi had no where to go, and the intentions of those that stood before her were clear. She tried to plead with them.

"Please..."

Obviously zombies are not ones for negotiating, if they even heard her. Before any of them were able to reach her she lifted Licorne Rose de la Mer to her face and kissed the fishbowl. Starlips put both of her scabbed hands on each of Koi's shoulders and pushed her to her knees, while the others were pulling at her clothes, trying to get to the flesh beneath.

As Koi hit the ground, the fishbowl spilled. Koi gasped a protest as she watched Licorne Rose de la Mer plop out into the dirt. The gold was speckled with brown and a leaf stuck to the fish as it flopped around in an attempt to save itself.

Shock set in with Koi as her flesh was being partially consumed, but mostly just torn to pieces and scattered about. She took her last breath, her eye fixated on the fish who was staring back at her, and the two of them died there. Unfortunately for Licorne Rose de la Mer, only one of them got back up afterwards.

***

Hippies vs Zombies Book Trailer

HvZP2d

Starlips wasn't always considered a hippie. She had really just gotten into the scene with a friend of hers, who was now off in law-school.

She got her name from the ridiculous amount of glitter she peppered her face and cleavage with. She was somewhat of a Techno-Hippie, and preferred long nights on ecstasy dancing to talentless house music. Nights that preferably ended in enormous orgies.

She never really considered herself a full-on lesbian, but rarely enjoyed the company of the boys, and found the beauty of a woman's body irresistible.

In the night before, after her hours on the swing set, she had taken some LSD and roamed off by herself. Now, as morning came, she stood in the woods beneath a particularly large tree, perhaps the biggest she had ever seen.

The tree danced for her. It's trunk was as big around as a small car, and reached forever up into the sky. She could barely make out its higher branches or the leaves upon them. She stood at its base, watching as the LSD helped it to sway and twist. Whenever there was a breeze she saw the tree bending with the wind, and expected it to uproot and fly away.

She stood there, mesmerized as the mob came up behind her, and she never saw or heard them coming as she stared into the tree. Even when they had pounced her, and tore away at her flesh with their hands and teeth, in her psychedelic state she never realized what happened. She didn't have the opportunity to mutter any protest as they chewed at her, and it wasn't long before the group stood back and watched as she rose, one of them.

***

Lucas and Jesse had made out well at the campground, arming themselves with another rifle and a couple of handguns. They filled their pockets and a backpack with ammo.

The campground itself was littered with carnage. Blood and pieces of flesh were all around. Tents, soaked in blood were ripped to shreds. There had been a serious battle here, though it was very obviously one-sided.

"We have to hurry," he said. "We need to get ahead of them and cut them off before they reach the festival grounds."

Lucas was all for hurrying. The sooner he got to shoot something in the face, the better. He didn't much care about the festival or anyone attending it. It seemed more fun, to him, to let them turn the whole festival before they arrived. More to shoot. He didn't mention any of this. Jesse was trained somewhat in tactics and knew what he was talking about, and more-so knew what he was doing. The more Lucas thought about it, the more he realized that he had the perfect companion for this sort of thing.

They made their way towards the festival, quite a hike after hooking back through the campground to loot. The sun was nearly completely risen now, which sort of pissed of Lucas since he would no longer need the night-vision goggles.

When they reached the edge of the forest, Jesse slightly panicked. He saw the festival in front of them, and though the music was going, it sounded terrible. There was very little movement in the outer edge of festival camping, save one area along the edge that a stream of smoke rose from.

"We beat them here."

Lucas sighed, disappointed.

Jesse shook his head. He knew that Lucas was only in this for the chance to kill someone, zombie or not. Lucas was ready to fire his gun at the first thing in range to look like a zombie. This would make him a great soldier, when the battle finally came, but until then Jesse was concerned that Lucas might be a little crazy.

Jesse scanned the edge of the festival grounds that were along the forest edge, for quite a ways. He was pretty sure the undead gang would have to enter within their field of vision from this point, considering that in other parts the trees were just too thick.

A breeze carried some of the smoke their way, and as it brushed past their nostrils, Jesse and Lucas caught the aroma of bacon. They were both feeling hungry, and this scent did not help.

Jesse considered the options, then reported his plan. "We need to go to that smoke and warn these people. Maybe they will give us some of that breakfast."

Lucas laughed, "Bro, we got guns. Those hippies will give us whatever we want."

Jesse shook his head as they started towards the source of the smoke. "Whatever you do, Luke, just let me do the talking."

Lucas let out a chortle and said, "Just let me do the shooting."

***

HvZP2c

The music was well under way when Tiny opened his eyes. The sun and complete exhaustion prevented him from opening them all the way. The music was faint, but it was there enough to remind him of where he was before his eyes could take any of it in.

The crowd was all around him. He was surrounded by people, as he had remembered being shortly before he apparently blacked-out. The rest of the evening was completely lost to him, but this was nothing new to Tiny.

He reached down beside him for a beer, but he hadn't been able to feel any. When he tried to pry his eyes open to an acceptable state of awareness and search for a brew, he realized that none of the people around him were dancing. They weren't moving at all. Hundreds of them surrounded him, all turned in his direction, staring.

They all had blank looks on their faces pointed right at him, as if waiting for him to awaken and start the show, while the real show was going on behind them, and not a one seemed to care.

He felt starved, and the stares made Tiny uncomfortable. He felt bloated and wanted a trip to the toilet, so he made an attempt to move. He felt a pinching as he moved his muscles at first, and then a severe burn from his ass to his thighs. These were not the normal pains of too long in a chair, and no one knew that better than Tiny. Upon examining himself, he realized that as he leaned in either direction, the chair came with him, the umbrella above his head with it.

His underside had fused itself to the chair he had remained in for almost an entire day. He grunted in pain as he felt the flesh tear when he tried to move, then screamed when he could't pull at it anymore.

Looking around himself, he discovered a puddle of his own filth and blood beneath him. His stomach was bloated and risen while the rest of him sagged tremendously. He could feel flabs of skin and fat falling off him, like he was melting in the hot sun. He saw patches of discoloration in the skin throughout his body, and his veins were all visibly black. The more he moved the more he tore at the skin stuck to the chair and his gobs of fat hung lower to the ground.

His movements stirred up the scent of his own putrefaction and he vomited, covering his chin and chest with an acidic bile that killed his senses, and he lost conciousness again.

Everyone remained staring at him. No one said anything or made a movement. They looked on as this enormous human slowly became a massive, pungent blob of decay. None of them reeled from the odor, or shied from the sight as chunks of meat spilled away from Tiny's body and plopped into the sea of discharge, which insects were working their way through.

The band, unaware no one was really paying any attention, just kept on playing, but the sound was all terribly out of key and sync.